Badger, Badger, Badger
by m1blue
Summary: What if two OFCs not MarySues! met up with a first year OMC who was just soooo cute in their quest for DracoHarry's love? And this little OMC didn't like them as much as they liked him? Parodies shouldn't be worse than what they parody. Yeah...
1. Chapter 1

Notes: Disclaimed -Harry Potter © J. K. Rowling: criticism welcomed

* * *

Eve Esta King sat in the Leaky Cauldron, awaiting the return of his uncle. Gregory (his uncle that was always, even by Eve, referred to as King) _was_ trying to get back to the table, but had been way-laid by some over attentive females. They saw him as their Eros -- blond, blue-eyed, tall, and muscularly lithe -- and were scrambling for attention. Now you might ask why he was so perfect in appearance when his eleven-year-old nephew looked like some Spriggan changeling. It's simple: King is half-kitsune, meaning that, not only did he get his father's looks, he was also uber-strong and magical, even though 'uber' isn't a real word.

Eve, on the other hand, is only a quarter-kitsune, quarter-muggle, and half-wizard (which adds up correctly, mind you). In other words, he got shit. No illusionary magic and barely passable wizard magic, along with a mean demeanor and personality. Of course, the later wasn't entirely his heritage's fault; the boy's name was also to blame. Due to some quirky history, he was stuck with a girl's name for his own, the Spanish word for 'that' as his middle name, and a common noun for his last name. That combination would make anyone insane and hateful. On the upside, he had a cat, Ivan the Terrible. Despite the name, Ivan was the most laid-back, loving creature alive. Quite the contrast. Anyhow, Ivan went everywhere with Eve, carried in the messenger back that seemed terribly over-sized for Eve's petite, almost-malnourished, frame.

Enough about Eve and his accosted uncle. The only other thing left to know about Eve (since King will disappear forever shortly) is his role in this story. He is the antagonist.

Since we have introduced the antagonist in a long, overdrawn, info-dump it is only right that the protagonists be introduced in much the same fashion.

The bouncy, perky, and did we mention bouncy? sixteen year old was having a ball of a time. She had just bought her school supplies (just transfered to Hogwarts, you know!) from Flourish and Blotts, where Eve will shortly be purchasing the _Necronomicon_ and his school supplies, and was currently occupied by the pets. Of course, Celestial Sunlight Maryweather didn't need a pet, she already had her pet phoenix. No, Celestial Sunlight Maryweather was delaying. Why, if you are all that interested, you would ask? She didn't want to meet her twin sister, Moon Shadow Maryweather, the angsty obviously-Slytherin oppressed white middle class goth who hated commas.

That was their only common ground: the hatred of punctuation and anything even close to feasible English. Since I, the author, rather like grammar we're keeping it. Back on topic! Celestial Sunlight Maryweather hated her sister because Moon Shadow Maryweather was goth, and Celestial Sunlight Maryweather was prep. Going with the stereotypes, they wanted each other dead as a dead thing because of that uncrossable, unbreakable boundary.

Oh, wait! Celestial Sunlight Maryweather was drop-dead gorgeous. She had flowing, thick curls (that somehow managed to remain curls, nevermind the length and weight of her hair) that could be comparable to ripened wheat, or spun gold, or sunlight in a peaceful, summer clearing that housed unicorns and songbirds and squirrels and such. Her figure was perfect, emaciated and voluptuous at the same time. Absolutely stunning. And what a rack she had! Bouncy, perky D-cup breasts of equal size and distance (all natural, I assure you!) that strained elegantly against her tasteful gold and red baby-tee. The author's fingers hurt from typing awkwardly, so we'll just simplify and say she was beautiful, with beautiful eyes, face, mouth, nose, rump, legs, arms, hands, ears, and so on. She was damned sexy, too. But virginal and innocent, since Celestial Sunlight Maryweather was unaware of her own beauty, despite the time she took making it stand out every morning.

Celestial Sunlight Maryweather was by far, in her own opinion, much more beautiful (yet oblivious) than her only C-cup, anorexic yet slender instead of starved, black-haired, blood-red streaked, scarred freak of a sister with multi-color eyes that change depending on her mood who cut herself in conspicuous places after being raped by her boyfriend (ignoring the fact that they had only ever made out) and emotionally handicapped as a result, not as a cause of him dumping her to save himself.

Moon Shadow Maryweather was brooding in the bookshop, after being abandoned -- abandoned, of all things! -- by that hell-bitch of a sister. 'Hell-bitch' was Moon Shadow Maryweather's creative title for Celestial Sunlight Maryweather. (Celestial Sunlight Maryweather's nickname for Moon Shadow Maryweather was 'Psycho-bitch', because she was creative too.) She thought that Celestial Sunlight Maryweather's appearance (neither really had an actual personality, so appearance was all they cared about) was preppy and disgustingly cheerful, even though that doesn't really fit in with appearance. Goth was such a rebel label, and Moon Shadow Maryweather totally fit the part in her black clothing, black makeup, black angst, black... other stuff, and black, soulless persona. Moon Shadow Maryweather's natural name even fit the title, oddly enough! The only special possession she had (besides her black, shadow/phantom/ghost cat) was her diary, where she wrote the most depressing, heart-felt poetry her gothiness could come up with. It was all deep, talking about depression, suicide, the rape mentioned earlier, and angstangstangstangst.

The author's fingers really hurt now, so she's stopping. Next up: possible plot? and the sorting. Yay! (We're just gonna skip everything important, unless the author feels like writing it.) How many clichés can you count? And they continue below!

Edited:no; Well-thought-out: no; Review-whoring: yes (please).


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, I just can't believe it," Celestial said (the author has given up writing her full name), surprised. She was in shock that the author hadn't just skipped to the sorting. No, actually, surprise was her current emotion because when Moon and she had tried to squeeze into Harry's compartment, they had been turned away! Too full was the feeble excuse.

"Hmph!" Moon 'hmphed' behind her, sulking due to the rejection. (Why was her entire life about rejection?) She sulked heavily and in near-silence because vocalizing every whine wasn't her thing; writing every whine down in her diary was.

"Really, they could have fitted at least _me_ in there! There were only six people." And, she continued silently, she saw the way Harry looked at Moon. The little slut had flirted with him! She was trying to steal him from Celestial. Lets just ignore the fact that, sure Moon had been flirting, but so had Celestial, and since Harry was her dominate love interest it was that much more blatant.

"Lets find Draco," Moon mumbled, somehow managing to mumble over the apostrophe while she was at it (because all the author's mistakes are _totally_ intentional). As the year is never mentioned, we'll just assume that Draco is a Slytherin Prefect, and therefore – fortunately – unavailable. They did look, and to their dismay any compartment with canon characters was full or had icky Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs in them.

Which left Eve's compartment, as he was there alone after successfully deterring any company. The Maryweather sisters would not be deterred, though, and sat down huffily uninvited while he was in the lavatory changing before everyone else wanted to. The boy's occupancy was obvious, which they ignored, as he had left his cat and bag, not to mention trunk, there.

The girls were oblivious to that, and only became aware of anyone else when Eve had the misfortune of tripping over Ghost, the aforementioned shadow cat that was currently lounging in the hallway, invisible. That's what shadow cats do, by the way, phase through things and turn invisible. Neat, huh? Celestial's phoenix would meet her at the school so as not to cause a commotion, not because the author forgot she had one.

"Ow!" A heavy thump landed directly on the door followed by the sound of something dropping to the floor. "What the hell?" Eve groped around, because he knew something had tripped him! He wasn't _that_ clumsy. That was when Ghost decided to turn visible again, as he was only invisible to cause this wacky and 'amusing' introduction. "A cat? Did you trip me?" Eve's voice had lost some of the anger – he liked cats, after all – and he was reaching out to pet it.

Moon, feeling that Ghost was in danger, opened the door, accidentally rolling it over his tail. What was going to be a knuckle rub for Ghost quickly deteriorated into a slasher movie with the victim being Eve's outstretched hand.

Eve jerked back spasmodically, dropping to the ground again and loosing his glasses. Bloody, blind, and bruised, he fumbled around for them as Moon attempted a look of disdain, which didn't come off quite right. Celestial, being ever-so-helpful, immediately reached down and picked them up for Eve, gently grabbing his wandering appendage and placing the glasses in it.

As this was supposed to be a wacky and 'amusing' introduction, Moon huffed off, cradling Ghost, and Celestial helped Eve up. "Don't mind her," she said jokingly, "She's always like this."

Eve looked up at Celestial, which caused her to notice that he had really dull eyes, like lichen gone baaad on a boulder. It didn't help that the glasses magnified this. All in all, though, she thought he was kind of cute. Until he spoke, then she though he was kind of angry. "Like hell I'm going to 'not mind her'! The cunt tried to kill me! Let me in there; I have to get some things." Those said things consisted of his miniature armory, several years of Christmas and birthday gifts from King. That man knew how to shop, that was for sure, even if giving his perpetually angry child of a nephew butterfly knifes (illegal in many places, might we add) and brass knuckles seemed a little insane. Hey, it kept Eve out of his hair, admittedly while making him a walking, talking death machine.

Eve was intent upon getting the butterfly knife, or a stiletto, and teaching Moon a few things about being angry and rebellious. As fate would have it, that wasn't happening. Celestial had blocked him, and ignoring the glare had grabbed his wounded hand.

"Aw, poor baby," she cooed, causing Eve to fidget nervously; she seemed oblivious (a favorite word with Celestial) to his intent. Now unwilling to be left alone with the freak, Eve dug his heels in and fought her insistent tugs into the compartment. An eleven year old was no match for a Quidditch toned sixteen year old, though, and he eventually lost.

Celestial continued fretting over Eve's bloody hand, eventually pulling out some gauze and salve from who-knows-where. She kept it on hand, just in case, and called it a 'magical salve.' It smelt like Neosporin to Eve, who knew from frequent use _exactly_ what that smelt like. King didn't bother wasting good magic on him, and he had only just recently gotten his wand for school.

"Poor, poor sweetie," she continued to coo even after releasing Eve who went to hide behind Ivan. While Celestial put her things away, Moon came back, no cat in sight. Without further ado, she seated herself next to Celestial. By now Eve was far too distracted and in fear for his sanity to remember to attack her, but remembered almost immediately after she spoke.

"Well, are you going to apologize?"

This is where the author chose to stop, hoping to keep the chapters a page, single spaced in Open Office. Oooh, it's a cliffie. Everything from the previous chapter applies, too: not edited too thoroughly (wouldn't want it to read well, now would we?), still no specific direction or plot, and review whoring. Feed me.


	3. Chapter 3

Eve was intelligent, and now given the opportunity he carefully considered his options. The blonde freaked him out (odd how she did and Moon didn't), and they were sisters. Putting two and two together, then dividing by the sibling rivalry that sparked from them, then squaring everything by the fact that the two were bat-shit crazy, Eve had a pretty good idea about what he should do: avoid confrontation.

An awkward silence fell – nothing humorous about it, mind you – as the first year huddled next to the door, praying that the ride would end soon. Celestial, being who she was, decided to attempt conversation.

"So, little one. Have we been properly introduced?" Eve shook his head minutely in a silent curse to the gods, whoever they might be, but Celestial took it as a simple 'no.' "Well, then! I'm Celestial Sunlight Maryweather, but you may call me Celestial." She nudged Moon, who didn't do anything and received another poke with Celestial's elbow.

"And I'm Moon Shadomumblemumble..." Moon trailed off, looking dejectedly at her feet until, unexpectedly clear, she said, "Not that you care mumblemumble."

"Uh."

"Speak up! I may be part Elf, but that doesn't mean I have good hearing," Celestial chirped in an odd display of Random Information to Shock and Amaze the Reader.

Elf? Like in house-elf? Eve didn't ponder on that if only to keep his sanity. "Uh," he started out again, "Eve."

The sisters froze, then asked simultaneously, "You're a girl?"

"No!" His eleven-year-old virility was being threatened! So Eve did the only thing he could think of; he changed the subject. "We should be at school soon, don't you think you should change?"

"We don't need uniforms," Moon explained, slightly insulted. Beside her, Celestial nodded fervently.

"They're too unisex, and that's no good." If that comment made any sense, Eve missed it. He didn't speak any further.

The silence fell again.

"Aren't you hot?" This time it was Moon, who had been staring at Eve the entire time. It did seem like he would be suffering some kind of discomfort to her, given that he had a blue and grey knit scarf around his neck, almost over his mouth, a green marshmallow sweater with sleeves peeking out from his robe, and heavy boots. Nothing really matched, even, both her sister and she noted with a shudder. Only one from the two of them. Not even two at the same time. Just one shudder, all by its lonesome.

Eve, though she didn't know it, was highly susceptible to colds and the Isles were nothing but an illness breeding trap to him. If it wasn't heat from the Americas, or caffeine laden chocolate from Germany (this is a shameless self-insert. The author loves German chocolate), it was fog and sniffling and fevers. Neither sister knew this, though, and weren't about to. "No." He was moving to Australia, he decided. Eve had always been fond of kangaroos.

The curt reply triggered something inside Moon, sending her back into a vortex of memories (many imagined), where her boyfriend and abusive family resided. Celestial's family wasn't nearly as abusive as Moon's, which was odd given that they had the same parents.

Eve was also reverting to memories, but only because they were safer than the present. His also had family, who could be considered abusive, as everyone always seemed to beat on everyone else if only verbally. He didn't consider it a bad thing, though, as it would help him to grow into a snarky bastard years in the future. And all Eve aspired to was becoming a snarky bastard.

While Moon was weirding out, and Eve was ignoring her, Celestial did her nails. She didn't think anything or fall into memories or anything. She just filed away until each white crescent of nail was perfectly even. Which they were.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, as their reactions would hint at, a canon character paused at the door (finally). It was Draco Malfoy practicing his proper prefect duties! Despite what everyone said, he actually was a good student, and hoped to leave Hogwarts with exceptional recommendations. Many things tried his patience, though: Gryffindors, idiots, and people like the one standing in the compartment revealed to him by a flying door.

He had just paused to nibble on some candy in his pocket, and was suddenly assaulted by some hell spawn wearing black and red. "What the hell?" Not the most eloquent of phrases, but what could you expect?

"Draco! My love that has saved me from the evil clutches of my family!" -- Poor Draco thought it odd that she had to clarify exactly what he supposedly did -- "At last, we meet again!" -- Eve thought it sounded like a horribly scripted movie -- "Let us run away from our evil families who torture us on a daily basis and live in the country with many, many children!" -- Celestial, instead of thinking, was silently cheering Moon; if she was out of the way with Draco, then Harry would be left alone.

"Is your sister schizophrenic?"

Leaving the audience at this gasp!cliffhanger, the author will now post while knowing she somehow spelt Gryffindor wrong yet managed to spell schizophrenic correctly.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm a liar. I didn't update the next day. Oh, and in a completely random display (just to prove how well thought out this is) I have introduced yet another first year OC. Read on to find out, because you really, really want to. You know you do.

* * *

Draco had the good fortune of quick reflexes; it was something required for Quidditch, after all. Therefore, using them and some careful maneuvering, he escaped from the claw-like, demonic grasp of Moon. Now backed against the opposite compartment door, he could do nothing but clutch himself protectively and stare as Moon looked confused. 

Eve laughed.

Draco (who was very lucky today, ignoring the whole jumping thing) was once again blessed by that, as it distracted Moon long enough for him to make an escape. Now with the canon character gone, we can focus on the rampant original characters.

Moon glared balefully at Eve, who asked in all innocence, "Is there something in your eye?" This just caused her to glare all the more because that is the only descriptive word the author can be bothered to waste on her.

Celestial, ignored and essencially nonexistant until now, had put away her nail file and was smirking in a very Slytherin fashion. Both her and her sister had qualities for both the major houses, which made them immensely special, never mind that pretty much everyone did. They were fairly general classifications, you must remember.

Eve himself, though neither he nor they knew it, fit quite well into Slytherin. He also fit into Ravenclaw. He would end up in Hufflepuff, though, to ruin the suspense. This is also a clever plot device to skip the sorting as the author doesn't feel creative enough to write the Hat's song (read lazy). The Merryweather sisters would be sorted privately and without pomp, as there was no need to go through the hubbub of announcing them at the feast. It saved time at the expense of self-satisfying awe on the sisters' parts.

With the threat of the actual Potter-verse abated, the train finished its insanely long trip and pulled into the Hogsmead station. Eve followed the mass of short first years, himself trailed by the sisters (who as of yet knew nothing of their unobserved sorting-to-be). After gathering the little ones, Hagrid herded them into the boats, at the moment unaware of the sixth years. (The author pauses a moment to wonder if she's correct, as she can't be bothered to remember their ages. Come to think of it, that would make them twins, wouldn't it? Anyhow.)

Celestial and Moon, both fairly tall having already gone through their growth spurt, were quite obviously not first years, and the actual children were whispering among each other. Eve had the misfortune of being in their boat, effectively ruining any chance he had of being popular. At least he wasn't going down alone; there was another unfortunate first year sitting next to him.

This was Jules (full name Jules Jean-Pierre Morel), a delicate French waif who was in desperate need of a trim. Eve kept getting platinum locks in his mouth every time the wind stirred. The boy seemed oblivious (there's that word again!) to his companion's discomfort. Actually, he seemed pretty much oblivious to everything except for the water. He sooo wanted to put his hand in it.

Unlike Eve, Jules had done a bit of research over the summer. He knew about the squid, and had always been a fan of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Jules Verne was a relative by marriage, in fact, and Jules's namesake. Obviously. Even if he hadn't been an ancestor, Jules was certain he would still be a fan.

Like Eve, though, he wasn't exceptionally social, and despite his homicidal hair, they had an underlying kinship that would eventually form. Because the author has no sense of foreshadowing or anything, if that wasn't obvious either. But she digresses. They would become all chummy, having read the same books, having similar bad habits (Jules's was a fondness for alcohol; Eve's, cigarettes), and having some sort of nonhuman folk in their background. Jules was part Shefro fae, which means now we just need someone with a Dreamtime background, someone with some sort of African spirt background, a Native American totem reincarnate, and Quetzalcoatl. (The last one going to Hogwarts would be rather amusing, and did the author miss anything?) That would be far too hard for the author's little brain, so we'll just have European and Asian mythological bloodlines.

So they had their similarities, and their magic (or lack thereof) and such were even justified! They totally aren't Gary-Stus. (And thus the gavel falls. Shut up, all of you!)


	5. Chapter 5

Not the best comeback, and not as much commentary, but I'm probably going to revamp it again, this time plot-wise, anyhow.

* * *

Eve nudged Jules, who didn't respond. He was tempted to push a little harder, but that would be too much effort, and besides, the boy had turned to him (perhaps sensing his malicious intentions).

"Yes?" Eve snorted upon hearing Jules; he had a rather . . . . high voice. Guessing as to what he found so amusing, Jules immediately twisted around, smacking Eve with his hair. Eve pulled out several strands. "Ow!" They faced each other yet again, Eve holding the offending strands in his grabby, nasty fingers.

Celestial and Moon watched the interaction with interest born of boredom. The ride was taking a while, it seemed, and they were not impressed by the intimidation of Hogwarts. Or so they said.

"What?" Jules ground out in his high pitched tones.

Eve nodded minutely toward the Merryweather sisters. Jules, picking up on the need for subtlety, glanced out of the corner of his eye. He repeated his question.

"Don't you find something, well, odd?" The sisters leaned in, wondering what Eve was talking about.

"About the things. . . . near me?" They were practically breathing down Jules' neck.

"Yes."

"I read in _Hogwarts: A History_ that unusual things were usual," Jules replied, as though that solved everything.

"Didn't bother reading it; but even the other first years find it strange. They're staring."

"Prof. Hagrid didn't say anything." Jules leaned imperceptibly forward, toward Eve.

"We were at the back. And I think everyone looks small compared to him." Eve obliged to the unasked permission and slid over a bit, allowing Jules to move closer. He sympathized apathetically.

"Especially you," Jules pointed out, as even sitting he found himself to be a good fifteen or so centimeters taller than Eve. Eve glared, but let it slide when Jules continued. "But you're right, it is strange. And rather oppressive."

"Very."

"Any reason you brought it up?"

"I just wanted to make sure it wasn't me."

"You're known for being a little strange?" Jules slid back to his position when the sisters backed up, loosing interest again as the shore approached.

"Not like that. I just don't feel safe without my protection."

"Protection, you say?" Jules asked, turning away as the boat knocked against a wooden, somewhat dilapidated dock. Having very good sea-legs, he was the first out the instant it was safe to leave.

Celestial and Moon walked along 'gracefully' and hoping no one noticed how they slipped. Before they could go very far, though, they were intercepted by the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Prof. White, a petite woman with translucent skin and statuesque features that hadn't changed in twenty years as her husband could attest to.

"Are you the Merryweather sisters?" she asked, looking up slightly at them. Everyone else so far she was able to look down upon like the insects they were – anyhow, it was a redundant question as the two boys leaving the boat, the last one in the line, obviously weren't sisters. Without waiting for an answer, she turned to them; the taller one was helping his companion out of the shallows he had fallen into. "You two."

Eve slipped again and latched onto Jules for support, causing them both to take a nasty tumble. Jules peered up at her through his bangs. "Yes, ma'am?"

"The rest of your class is heading up to the castle, if you run you might make it."

Jules nodded a thank you and hurried off, dragging Eve along who still suffered from the horrible trip thus far. Behind them, the girls were escorted to Prof. Dumbledor's office to be sorted beforehand.


End file.
